#I have a hard enough time with self abandonment because of my conditioning

[void-tiger]

If feelings of affection don’t also inspire me to put more effort into my own growth and healing and selfcare and ambitions, then I don’t want it.

That’s the the tell. That’s how I know it’s real.

That’s what makes putting up with those brain-fritzing chemicals and all the Awful of being forced to confront a broken attachment style worth it in the long run.

That’s how I know this is real.

[farshootergotme]

Now that I have the confidence to send you asks, fully expect me to bug you periodically from here on out

Anyways- do you think Dick qualifies as a scapegoat? Cause I 100% think he's a scapegoat. People always try to shove the 'golden child' role onto Dick, and it always confused me cause like. He doesn't fit it at all if you actually look into what a golden child is.

Dick is definitely one of the scapegoats of the batfamily (Jason being the other) and it makes me sad that people always label him a golden child when he's the exact opposite. Seriously- he's hit, beaten, unfairly blamed, lashed out at, not told about important things (Jason or being replaced, Jason dying, Jason's funeral, probably other things, i wouldn't be surprised), etc. Definition of a scapegoat to me.

It's also why I hesitate to label him the 'favorite' even when the comics try to say otherwise. Mostly because... favorite children aren't really treated this way. Favorite weapon, maybe, as I've said in a post I've made before, but that's it. Bruce wouldn't kill for him or any of his kids. He's come close, yeah, but he's also come close to killing the Joker too after Jason's death and had to be threatened into not doing it. Every time, it's in a strong surge of emotion, and the second Bruce thinks rationally- well, he doesn't do it. Dick isn't at all unique, Bruce wouldn't kill for him either.

I think Bruce is the most proud of Dick, and has a unique relationship with him due to knowing him the longest and the parentification, but I don't think that makes him the favorite. Maybe to the other batkids, but probably not in reality.

I don't think Bruce really HAS a favorite- Dick is probably the closest to it, but still.

Though, if you wanna play around with angst and fanon ideas, maybe both Dick and Jason are the favorites and that's why Bruce treats them the worst? Dunno, it'd make a fun fic, even if it's not really grounded in canon (though I ignore RHATO and Comic UTRH).

Idk. Just,, gestures. Dick is a scapegoat to me.

Hope my 2 am rambling made sense lol

Okay, I see you, but I'll argue:

Dick Grayson is both the scapegoat and the golden child.

Now, you might not believe this since he doesn't tend to be both at the same time, and it isn't common for these roles to exist within the same individual. But Dick Grayson is praised and favored as much as he's blamed and pushed.

A golden child is the one who carries most of the expectations in the family. The parent expects them to be perfect, make no mistakes, take on roles they're pushed into with no issue (thus parentification can happen), and continue on and on to be good enough and meet the criteria so they don't make the parent disappointed.

The love is conditional hence they develop this unhealthy perfectionism and self-esteem and self-worth issues that will follow them till adulthood even when they're out of that environment and living their own lives.

The reason why a parent might choose a specific child (or children) to be the favored one is because they tend to see this child as an extension of themselves. And consequential to this, they will project their insecurities onto said child and force them to improve—be the best—where they fall short. All of their capabilities are overvalued, making the parent see them as special and much better than the rest, causing the unrealistic expectations a child must hold and fulfill so as not to “fail” their parent(s).

Although this child might seem like the favorite and who could do no wrong on the outside, the love they receive isn't something they can take for granted.

When a golden child underperforms or isn't as good as they're expected, the parent’s demeanor might change. They will feel the disappointment and fear this might cause the treatment they get to change. Sometimes the child might even fear abandonment or rejection from their parent as a result of their failures.

The mix of all this turns into a person who's over-competent, hard-working and someone that tends to take charge of things so they aren't at risk of failing, making them ‘natural’ leaders in any group they might be part of.

Sounding familiar yet?

Now, let's move on to the scapegoat:

A scapegoat child is the one that is blamed by all the things that go wrong in the family. They are constantly criticized and shamed by things they might've not even been part of, but somehow they're now involved and taking all the blame for the others so there are no consequences for anyone but them.

(All the blame also messes with their perception of certain events, making them prone to self-blame for the problems that occur in the family or their behaviors towards them.)

The scapegoating in the family may be due to subconscious projection from the parent when they're dealing with difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, rage, etc. They feel threatened by their own feelings and therefore they will try to escape from them by externalizing those feelings and making them their scapegoat’s problem.

Because of this treatment, the scapegoat might become an outsider in the family, feeling excluded and isolated from the rest. And for this, when push comes to shove and they're going through a rough patch, they will not have any reliable support they can go to inside the family as they'll be ignored or otherwise unfairly treated, having their feelings be invalidated.

Like the golden child, there's some aspects the scapegoat shares with the former:

Being treated differently by the parent/family.

Having unrealistic expectations placed upon them.

Being pushed into roles or responsibilities the child isn't meant to take.

Fear of expressing how they feel.

Self-worth issues and low self-esteem.

Although they're usually roles that are considered opposites, they aren't as incompatible as one might think. A child can alternate between being a scapegoat or the golden child, and this usually happens when the parent is very emotionally unstable, commonly due to a disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).

(I have so many thoughts about the latter applying to Bruce, but I will refrain from elaborating to not make this longer than it needs to be)

Having all I've said until now in consideration, I'm sure you've noticed how Dick meets both criterias—dare I say the golden child more often than the scapegoat.

Bruce is always speaking about how Dick is “better than him” and “the thing he's ever done right”, but in both of these statements you can see he's taking who Dick is and making it as something that's part of him, comparing Dick's accomplishments to his and putting him in this pedestal, and because of this projection happens and Bruce starts seeing Dick as an extension of himself.

This is why, when he or Dick fail, Dick will suddenly become the scapegoat, contrasting with the former golden child position he was in.

Here you can see the high expectations, praise for his accomplishments, his siblings feeling like Dick is better than them (i.e. treated differently than the rest), and you can also see how when he doesn't meet the expectations, he's met with disappointment (see: Alfred disappointed he's not as bright as he usually is) or judgment (see: Bruce angry at him because he isn't committing to his cause as much as he expects him to).

And these are examples of Bruce being too harsh on Dick and expecting him to do better, blaming him for his brother's death, and in result Dick having a habit of blaming himself and accepting mistreatment, thinking it must be his fault.

More often than not, Dick is put on a pedestal by his family and even his friends sometimes. They praise and love him, but when there's occasions in which he's acting less than perfect, the treatment towards him can change.

Dick Grayson can be the golden child as much as he can be the scapegoat.

[excessive-vampires]

Alphabet Thralls Part 6: R's Conditioning

Masterlist with content warnings

Taglist: @d-cs @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @softvampirewhump

R’s eyesight was blurred by tears as well as his lack of glasses as he was led to a small room and strapped into a chair. He continued crying until he heard the door open and approaching footsteps. Someone looked at him and sighed. His face was roughly dried with a tissue and his glasses were placed on his face. He blinked up at the woman in front of him. Her clothes were professional and reminded him of people who had interviewed him for jobs before. There was something in her face and posture too that seemed to indicate she was judging him. He felt a little self-conscious about crying. She walked over to the chair across the desk from him and sat down. With its blank walls and utilitarian furniture the room really did create the impression of serious professionalism. 

She pulled a packet of papers out of a drawer in the desk and looked through them, taking her time and occasionally glancing at R with an unreadable expression. After a few minutes she put the papers back in the drawer and turned her full attention to R.

“So, you’re R-23.”

R didn’t quite know how to respond to that. He didn’t want to identify himself as a nameless product for these vampires to do with as they pleased, but denying it could make them angry, maybe if he did what they wanted they’d mess with his mind less. “Yes.”

“That was rhetorical,” The woman said. “Do you know why you’re here, why we took you?”

“To be given to some monster like a piece of meat.” R grumbled, abandoning the plan to try to please the handler since it had seemed to just annoy her.

“It’s because your manager made you work that extra night shift.”

“What?”

“If you hadn’t been walking home at night we would’ve taken someone else. It was just a matter of opportunity. You were working later than the buses run, so you got taken.”

This wasn’t how R had expected this to go. Was knowing this supposed to mess with his mind enough to let the vampires mold it however they pleased?

“How does that information make you feel?”

“Angry,” R said. Because as confused as he was, he was also furious. 

“Who are you angry with?”

“My manager,” R answered truthfully without thinking.

“And what are you going to do with that anger? Hmm? If we put you right back on that street right now and left because of a random clerical error and let you go back to work, how would you react to seeing your manager again?”

R wanted to say he’d demand better treatment or quit, but that wasn’t true, and telling the truth right now felt… right. Like a sort of last confession. Not that he was Catholic. “I wouldn’t do anything.”

The woman smiled. “Why not?”

“I wouldn’t want to lose my job. I need it.” 

“That’s right. You know how the world works, don’t you? If you want to survive you have to work hard.” 

“Yes…” R officially had no idea where this was going. 

“You’ve endured a lot of mistreatment in your life, but never really fought against it. Why is that?” 

“Because that would have made trouble for me, made it harder to survive.” 

“And surviving is the most important thing, right?” 

“Yes.” The longer this discussion went on the more true that statement felt. He had to focus on surviving. 

“I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to do now to survive, but I think you already have some idea. You need to behave. To do as you're told. To work as hard as you can to make sure no one has any reason to want to get rid of you. Because you want to be where we’re sending you.”

That sounded… mostly right. But the part at the end… “I don’t…”

“You are going to have all your needs met and provided for. You’ll have food, shelter, clothing, as long as you work hard and follow orders, you won’t have to worry about how to survive, just like it’s always been.”

That was how his life had always been. R found himself nodding. 

“That’s right, you just need to know the rules you need to follow and you’ll be set for the rest of your life. You’re very good at following rules, you have so much experience, so that’s going to be very easy.”

“Yeah…” 

“The exact rules may vary based on what your owner tells you to do, but let’s go over the general list.”

[yesthatsatumbler]

hey ill send you an ask! hows it going? post your favourite coin

Thanks!

Not much is happening TBH? Or at least to the extent that stuff is happening, in the short-to-medium term, I don't know what to say about it without some much more precise prompts on what exact kind of stuff you're interested in. I went to a beach today I guess? (And in the medium-to-long term things are too uncertain to say much about yet; too much depends on what would happen in places I don't really have influence over.)

I've moved to another country in 2022 because everyone was abandoning (and/or putting active sanctions on) my previous country due to a deeply unpopular war (that I didn't even vote for) and I was worried about being conscripted (and also for family reasons but the conscription thing was probably the main reason). Then in 2023 I saw my new country start its own (slightly less deeply) unpopular war that made approximately everyone abandon it, and I didn't really have any more places to go to... but at least I knew I didn't have to worry about being conscripted, and ongoing US support (and a long tradition of relative self-sufficiency, even if mostly for religious reasons) means that the sanctions are barely noticeable so far.

Not counting circulation finds, I had bought a grand total of about ten coins for my collection since October 2022. (I've received a few hundred more as gifts from friendly relatives.)

Favorite coin... it's a really hard question, you know! I don't recall your criteria/preferences for good coins offhand, and maybe if I knew them (I think I've seen them posted at some point...) I'd figure out which of my coins was the best fit for those. But also maybe that's not the right question to ask anyway.

For what it's worth, as of the moment I started writing this response, the first coin I thought of was that one silver coin I accidentally got for way under its true value because it was in such perfect condition that I thought it was probably made of aluminium (and accidentally confused it with a vaguely similar aluminium type while initially looking it up, though I don't recall whether that happened before or after I decided that it couldn't possibly be silver), and the dealer knew even less about those coins than I did, so he believed me and lowballed the price.

Then I figured out what went wrong and posted that on a forum, and it was a whole mess, and I eventually came clean to the dealer, and IIRC he basically said something to the effect of "I mean I didn't invest in it much either, happy that it's with someone who at least knows what it is". (Then I proceeded to buy a semi-key-date Barber quarter from him for under melt - and this time I did ask several times if he was sure about the price. I miss that guy.)

Yemen - North Mutawakkilite Kingdom (1918-62) Yahya Muhammad Hamid ed-Din (r. 1918-48) AR 1/10 (Imadi) riyal 1362 or 1364 AH? = 1943 or 1945 AD? Y# 5.5, Numista 39981 (my coin is currently the page example)

"Wait, if the coin is in such great condition, then how could there be an uncertainty in the date?"

That's because it's an overdate! The 6 is engraved over a 4 (that is, ٦ over ٤ - you can see both shapes here, but the 4 is mostly obscured), and the last digit is either 4 over 2, or 2 over 4 - but both of the ٤ (4) and ٢ (2) shapes are strong enough that it's hard to tell which was there first, and of course both 1364/42 and 1362/44 are chronologically possible.

The references (i.e. Krause) include 1362/44 (though I've never seen an example labeled as such), but not 1364/42, as a possible option; they do, however, have 1364/43, for which the NGC World Coin Price Guide provides this example... an exact die match to my coin.

Unfortunately, a comparison of their coin and mine makes it clear that the supposed "3" is almost certainly a misreading; a combination of wear (flattening out the relevant area) and what appears to be a slight crack (?) gives the digit ٢ (2) a seeming extra bump at the top, making it look like ٣ (3). On my coin there is no bump and the digit can only be read as 2.

I've been uncertain over the years I've had this coin over whether it's actually dated 1364 (1945 AD) or 1362 (1943 AD), though I tended to default to the former. I thought that this is entirely unknowable, but now that I think about it, it might theoretically be possible to find a match to the pre-rework die, and see if it says 1342 or 1344? But there's not a lot of those 1/10 riyal coins depicted online in the first place, and none of the ones I could find seem to match this die - and of course there's no reason to assume that the die as originally made was used to mint coins at all, as opposed to being some kind of unneeded surplus that got reused two decades later.

...Comparing the styles, I think 1344 (and consequently 1362) is more plausible, but I can't be very sure. But at least now I've figured out at least a theoretical possibility for how it could eventually be known what it actually is?

Numismatics is complicated.

(Maybe some day I'll actually write up my extensive post on a possible reattribution of the monogram AE4 type traditionally attributed to the usurper Leontius... I was a good way in before I discovered that the question was treated in far more detail, with far more examined examples, in a Swiss article from 2020. Of course the article is [mostly] in Italian, and IIRC it did not raise some of the points I noticed, so maybe it is worth writing out my version as well. TL/DR: it's probably not Leontius, but it's hard to say who it might be, and the only other historical attribution for the type makes the Leontius option look sane.)

...Sorry for the long and rambling post. I think I had another point to make in here but if so I've completely forgotten what it was.

[key2earth]

hi hello & happy happy opening! i'm blue & this is xie ziying, local night terror edward cullen haunting the halls of sua! art student, red hall girl gang stan, & proud owner of a pretty pair of pearly whites that she's putting to dentist unrecommended use outside of regular class hours! here's a barebones profile & more info / plots under the cut, pls like to plot or ask for my d/scord & i’ll be there! 💗

*tw for discussion of blood is marked out in the intro with brackets!

info

addressing these first: her teeth r sharp & she drinks blood... the vamp allegations r true. ( /hj. u will see )

anyway!! she mostly lived a fairly normal life, insofar as having 3 outta 4 ( now 2 out of 3 ) of a family being anomalies would be normal? has a big bro in huitian but their abilities are as different as they come, so the anomaly gene sure is abnormal!

she's always been the black sheep of the family, but only in the way that someone who's unconditionally loved can act out? like deciding to play the violin when you come from a family of pianists, before abandoning that all together, & being the sibling whose teachers keep calling... but the point is. she's grown up being loved by her family, & that sense of self & safe harbour has pretty much tided her through what would otherwise have been some awful memories

those & her chompers it's hard to fight someone if they're willing 2 mike tyson u

speaking of teeth... they're sharp i'm not kidding! has nicked herself many times, but this was also how she figured out how her ability works. pure trial & error & teething pains

so how do those powers work? ( tw blood mention ) basically, a lil sip of blood gives her a power up! if it's her own blood, she gets physically stronger with enhanced condition. if that sip comes from someone else, she adopts/transforms into one property from them, though she doesn't get to choose which! ( tw end )

she's completely fine with her ability & down to use it when needed or entirely unnecessary, though the fact that the fun half of her power is a random grab bag is sometimes to her detriment. she knows this because she's gotten someone's sleep deprived mental state once when she wanted their cool colour-changing irises 💔

at sua bc they had really effective advertising & her grades + power combination was bad enough that she was applying to any college that might take her in. swears she didn't mean to tag along w huitian but she did apply to sua... so...

art student, which means being on her sixth can of bacchus at ass o clock & permanent eyebags, having the worst style intentionally & calling it avant goth

applied to be evo's treasurer but doesn't believe in 'the cause' or wtv that is. she j wanted to mooch money off them. its working!!

personality deets she's got that libra sun ( i see it i like it ) taurus moon ( i want it i got it ) scorpio rising ( goth ariana )! we're starting off goth, but she's unsrs about it. only emo 4 the aesthetics. might be a stoner gal & attends all the house parties when they have good greens. very chill & laidback, lowkey doesn't care about anything until it comes to her art or her ego, then her secret perfectionist self rears its big head! likes a good puzzle but would never help someone else solve one even if they were struggling. lives mostly in the twilight hours & naps thru class. could be spotted on your roof today!

chara inspos are sunny baudelaire, himiko toga if she had a loving family, vampire vibes really

plots

writing that intro has emptied my brain & i only have the usual suspects: besties, enemies, fwbs, exes! red hall hot girls & ppl she's pissing off at evo bc the funds keep disappearing

will update more but i love a brainstorm too we should do that 💗

[ina-nis]

Instead of beating myself up over lost friendships because of my triggers, it might be better for me to look at these situations objectively: those are relationships that bring the worse out of me, relationships that trigger my insecurities and abandonment issues and do not bring me peace or calm, relationships where I keep my distance and are relatively easy to let go of, because I cannot attach to people who meet these or other conditions.

I don't have to be friends with everyone I ever meet, either.

It doesn't make sense to go through this pain over and over again.

That was the case with the one who used to be my safe person, that was the case with a friend I enforced a boundary of mine about not willing to engage in conversations about their relationships after they rejected me, this was the case when a friend cornered me about me not initiating and me voicing my issues with their relationship and how that was out of anyone's control, because therapy can only do so much.

Not only I'm the common denominator in these conflicts, the "3rd person" is one too, and they're often unaware this is happening.

I end up having to put my friends through a "choice" they cannot make.

And making myself an "option" they will never, ever, pick.

I'm saddened by all this, because I'm like this, and because, fundamentally, I feel unable to do much to address this trigger other than either numb myself to my feelings or serve as a mirror to them while I self-abandon.

I asked myself today if I'd be able to attend a friend's wedding - not an acquaintance, but a friend I'm close to - and I felt like that would be a form of self-harm.

I honestly don't think I'd be able to attend weddings, period. It would hurt so much more if it was a person close to me, it would be extremely triggering.

Why?

I wished I had a partner. I've been working so hard for so many years just for that.

I wished I'd get married. I've been saving money and I've been living a quite simple life so I'd be able to move anywhere to be with the person I choose to spend the rest of my days with.

I wished I had that kind of connection, and the legal safety that comes with it, too.

I wished I had a best friend who would also be my lover, who could support and comfort me, who would reciprocate my feelings.

I wished for all those things, and I did what I could to get them. It didn't happen and that's alright, life doesn't always go how we want it to go, you can only do your best.

I guess I don't wish anymore.

And I do not want to be reminded of those things. It's enough for me to engage in them on my own time and pace through fiction, that's how I've always done it anyway.

When I ask myself if it's that unreasonable that I can't really be friends with people who have partners, I probably have to remind myself that I have the freedom to choose my friendships, and the freedom to pick the people I want in my life. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person... I feel like it means I respect myself (and others) enough that I don't want to stay in an uncomfortable situation, while trying to salvage a relationship that's essentially harmful to me, due to my circumstances.

[gremlinaristocrat]

Outstanding Ambiguities in Almost Nowhere

I here use ‘outstanding’ both in the sense of ‘unresolved’ and ‘extremely good’; I sincerely hope we never get a definitive answer for these.

Was Hector Stein originally a human being?

I’ll lead with my favourite: we never nail down whether Hector was a person placed in a Chestromath-y crash by Anomalings, or an NPC they stitched together to play a part in someone else’s dream.

Obvious signs seem to point to ‘human’, but consider:

He’s preternaturally charismatic, compelling, larger-than-life, and yet thoroughly unimaginative; all his tricks are copied from elsewhere. Once you start seeing the parallels between him and the (other?) fictives, it’s hard to unsee.

IIRC we never hear about his pre-crash history from anyone, even though that would be an excellent potential source of slander and scuttlebutt; considering the partisanship of the authors, this silence is conspicuous, ergo suspect.

Every other character seems subject to the convention “living humans and Anomalings are referred to with a first name only; fictives get surnames (which we don’t bring up for fictives we like, unless we’re making a point of reminding you they’re fictives); Annes can have little pseudo-surnames, as a treat”. Hector is the sole (apparent?) exception.

If he was a real boy, this raises the question: what sort of person’s Shade-assigned fantasy life looks like being cast into the role of “the teacher all the schoolgirls get crushes on”? And if he wasn’t . . . has everyone on Earth spent the last few years constantly hearing about the daring revolution being headed by (a fanfic version of) (their equivalent of) Severus Snape?

(I love this one the best because literally everyone in-universe would know the answer, and the only reason it’s not clear to me is that none of the half-dozen narrators felt it was non-obvious enough to be worth mentioning. Terra Ignota vibes, amplified to and past the point of parody; 11/10, no notes.)

What exactly did Azad do to Anne Twenty-Seven? Under what circumstances?

Yes, he hurt her. Yes, he broke her heart, abandoned her, and chose her sisters over her, only to abandon them in turn. But Azad – in the chapter he spends spelling out his various crimes – is weirdly vague and reticent about the exact nature of his original sin, the snowball that started the avalanche: all we hear for sure is that ‘it involves trust’. Is he staying quiet for his sake, or for hers? Is he magnifying his evil, or minimizing it? Or is this all because it’s another thing everyone already knows, the part of the sordid story the Nowhere-to-Hides wrote across the stars, and Azad only feels the need to confirm the allegations and fill in the blanks?

We don’t know; we don’t get to know.

Was Azad actively tortured while in Twenty-Five’s custody, or ‘just’ given awful working conditions?

We see a man stooped over a desk, compelled to eternal labour and penance. We see him later, rescued and refusing to believe it, insisting this is one of Twenty-Five’s tricks. Is this paranoia born from guilt, or past experience? Grant asserts based on his condition that “Hector’s guys” must have been “doing some pretty crazy shit”, but this is never confirmed or denied.

Later still, we hear his screams as he processes what happened in the crashes. How many of these are driven by guilt from Michael’s crash, versus trauma from Twenty-Five’s? Did she really have him working full-time on translation, or did she take some time every now and then to remind him of how her wants are structured?

I think Azad (and his co-authors) left this one in on purpose. He knew this book would be read by his victims – the Annes would have been top of his mind, but literally all of his in-universe readers would be living in a world wrought by What Azad Did – and wanted to preserve ambiguity for their sake: everyone (save Twenty-Five herself) gets to read their preferred ratio of self-inflicted vs other-inflicted suffering into the monster.

What happened to Annabel?

This is so weird. Shades don’t kill. They don’t even kill animals. And during the fall of Advanced Containment, long after she was supposed to be dead, Sylvie describes her as “stable, contained”; the dead don’t need much containing. But the official story is that she was slaughtered by Anomalings when Hector first left the crashes.

I think the official story is wrong. I think she disagreed with Hector, defected from him, joined up with Sylvie’s side . . . and then her former allies rebased her, rewriting her story so she dies at the most convenient moment. But mnemopoesis preserved her contribution to the manuscript, in the form of some autobiographical chapters (written in first-person, unlike any of the Annes the authors knew better, with the jarring justification that they just had to try mimicking her unique voice and personality), a deep understanding of the games and codes used in Michael’s crash (would we really be able to learn as much as we were shown from Eleven’s wilfully neglected witchcraft, and secrets Cordelia stole from Twenty-Five?), and a pair of un-attributable comments from a [REDACTED] co-author.

. . . unless, of course, that’s exactly what Azad and his co-conspirators want me to think: another piece of anti-Stein propaganda, all the more effective because they made me put the pieces together myself. (If that’s the case, it’s the kind of trick I can feel proud about managing to fall for.)

Who was [REDACTED]?

I mean, you know my opinion. But if it wasn’t Annabel, who was it?

It wasn’t her . . . and wasn’t a fabrication . . . I like to think it was an Anne who actually managed to erase herself from the narrative. Someone who stepped from the stage, and just kept walking, refusing to re-inflict the wound, leaving the entire sorry mess behind them.

How much damage control was Hector’s faction doing behind the scenes?

For most of the story, the world and its’ population remain precariously preserved, balanced on a bed of knife-edges. But with uncanny regularity – especially when you remember this is technically a war story – nukes don’t fly, crashes don’t fail, and Named Characters don’t die.

Towards the end of the story, we find out that Hector has thrived as long as he has by – essentially – savescumming. A little after that, Anne Eleven dies tragically, nigh-simultaneously with a substantial fraction of humanity, as the dog-god of war lets himself slip. And immediately after that, Sylvie restabilizes, as he figures out how to make sure Hector’s trickery can never work again.

So . . . how many disasters was Hector quietly averting? How many of Sylvie’s more destructive tantrums did he (unwittingly?) head off? How many times did he find Advanced Containment, and then rebase away his knowledge of it to save the people trapped inside? Does he even know? Does anyone? What’s the expected lifespan of this too-brave new world now our heroes have successfully smashed the Undo button?

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

ANALYSIS #1: 03/06/24

My first specimen, and what a nice find. I had quite a lot of fun going through this list, and I hope you're able to find something valuable within my research, #1. I know I certainly did myself while investigating.

What exactly was inside that list you gave me again?

Ah, yes. You gave a hearty dose full of useful information. Many great places for analyzation.

Why don't we start off with the data I've gathered on your background then, hm? 

Context is always the first step into investigations like these. And yours seems rather intriguing..

"LORE":

Let's address the elephant in the room first: your parents. My god, do they seem horrific.

They clearly didn't care for you, or at least not in the way you needed to be cared for. Violence has definitely plagued your home, whether it be verbal or physical, though I'm leaning more towards verbal in this instance. Anyone who's said "words don't cut" has clearly never stepped near your family. I can imagine the scars are unbearable. Hell, it seems like even the smallest things can take you back to that wretched excuse of a home, and it makes you feel pathetic. It's not by the way, in case you were wondering, but me saying that will never be proof enough, is it? I know you're smart (something I'll expand on later). I know that you recognize that all your reactions to these memories are completely valid, but it must be hard to believe in your own thoughts when they've been pushed down by others over and over again, right?

The saddest bit is that I think deep down, you do want to love your parents. You yearn to feel the kind of affection you've seen in all your favorite shows. You want somebody to pick you up off the street and care for you unconditionally. You never wanted to feel this kind of pain from them.

It seems your parents weren't the only harsh parts of your life. You've lost unbelievable amounts from your childhood as well. Maybe you've lost everything. It's why you pay so much attention to the small things in life. Not because you want to, but because you need to. You wouldn't have anything if you didn't take the time to enjoy the little details in life.

Adding onto this loss, I feel like abandonment might play a role in this specifically. You've been abandoned and you want someone to truly care for you this time. To remember you and keep remembering you.

You yearn to do more with your life. Something is holding you back. It could be your self doubt, or your values, your loved ones, maybe the entirety of the world itself. It's hard to pinpoint, but something has held you back. I can feel how close you are to cracking. And I think you should keep in mind that cracking isn't as bad as people might make it out to be. Remember, we wouldn't have glass paintings without picking up our broken pieces.

All in all, I can confirm one thing: There are people in your life that you're still restraining screams from. Parents are obviously one of them, as stated before, but I feel like there's more. Much more. Maybe old friends, partners, it could be anybody, really. All I truly know is that your screams could leave a cave echoing for years, and I think your heart has been a replacement for that cave for far too long. It's not fair. It never will be. You and I both know that an eternity of screaming could never make up for the damages you've been dealt.

Now, I know I've left a lot of these threads untied, but trust me, we're getting there. Now that context has been provided, that gives us room to determine what exactly your true issues in life are. What's really been weighing you down? How exactly does your brain function with all of this in mind?

THE TRUTH:

You don't trust yourself. Maybe you've hurt someone before (or believe you have) and it has never left you since. Maybe it's just the fact that you've grown up in such vicious conditions that you're afraid you'll unknowingly do the same to the people you truly love. You will do everything in your power to make sure you never hurt anyone like the way they hurt you, even if it means destroying yourself.

Sometimes you wonder if destroying yourself would finally get you the help you've been waiting for all these years. Nothing seems to have worked in giving you the aid you need, so clearly there's something you're missing, right?

It's either that or you find the quickest way to forget everything. You want to forget everything, don't you?

It's why vulnerability is one of your greatest fears. True vulnerability. You've never shown a single soul what you are when completely defenseless. Or maybe you have. Maybe it was the last time you ever did. Either way, there is a reason that nobody has seen you without a mask on. Some may have seen you with thinner masks than others, but nobody has seen your true face. You want to show them, but it's too much to bear. Not only for you but for what you believe others should not be burdened with as well. You'd rather drown in yourself than risk drowning another.

It's thoughts like these that consume your mind when at your lowest. 

Do not fall for their deception.

And I have all the proof I need to show how these thoughts could never be more wrong.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You care. You genuinely care. You care for strangers that  you'll most likely never come across again in your life. You know this and you choose to care anyways. You are one of the few who still wears a tender heart on their sleeve, and you wield it as if it were armor. Choosing to stay kind in even the harshest situations, even when rage feels like the only thing you know. I know you want the world to feel your wrath, and trust me, the world knows you could end her. It takes a hero to manage such a beast. Take pride in that.

You seem highly intelligent, or at least highly emotionally intelligent, which is one of the most for-granted and powerful type of intelligence people can have. People might not recognize it at first, but you're able to understand others in a way that most cannot. Ironically, "empath" is a term that could genuinely suit you, despite the amount of jokes surrounding it. Because in all honesty, you are the exact type of friend that everybody needs. It's just a matter of whether or not they deserve your kindness.

Adding onto this, you're very protective over the people you hold close to you. You're protective in a very special way though. Instead of jumping into battle, you fight on the sidelines, away from the crowd. And once you get the chance, you heal as much as you are able to. Not only are you protective and loyal, but rational and understanding. That doesn't make you any less fierce. It makes you much stronger than people even realize. 

Honestly, you've always been a soldier. A fighter. You've been fighting your whole life and I can just imagine that it still feels like the war has only begun. Remember these battles though, and I mean every one. The ones you've won, and the ones you've lost, because frankly the outcome doesn't matter. It's the fact that you survived and kept fighting that matters. Not only that, but the fact that you're able to still care for the world after all it's done to you? That's how the finest weapons are made.

Also, a fellow analyzer I see. That's always a plus in my books. Welcome to the team.

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts there and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I mean, I just know enough about violence and people to know it doesn't appeal to me. Consequences of any kind aside I just know it isn't fun. People hear me say I don't like killing things for fun in games and try to assert I must be vegan instead of the world's only human obligate carnivore, but like... It just isn't appealing to me. It isn't interesting.

Killing and assault get ascribed a whole bunch of things in some people's minds like making them feel powerful or in control, setting off some kind of social circuitry. They get something out of doing it and getting away with it, or whatever else, but to me is just uninteresting mechanics, just flesh and blood, bodies and whatever your weapon is made from? Probably metal. To give someone the experience of being murdered, even temporarily for the messy mechanics of it? Why?

I can think of billions of things I could do that day instead, and I am not even sure hunting an animal that would actually taste good to eat gets on the list. I mean it might, how many loops would it take you to take down a bear and eat it is a more interesting question to me, but even that has the killing part I don't like. How many times are you willign to fight that bear for a good roast? Can you even eat it all before the loop resets?

It would take very particular circumstances and exit conditions to get me to do it [kill a man], like say, an ex showing up in my life with a weapon, especially if the exit condition is me surviving the day? Then yeah, I'd do it and never look back, never struggle with it at all honestly. Killing in self-defense for me is morally uncomplicated.

Even if it was incidental to the exit condition I would probably kill the ex showing up with a knife or gun each time just to make sure I don't die of complications, or of them coming back for round 2 on another day... But that has little to do with the time loop, the time loop would just shape my success/survival at it.

Even being a random victim I'd probably try to get through the loop making them unconscious. Any scenario, even in self-defense, where they aren't liable to try me again? Even after it was me that stopped them? Why bother with the procedure and the process of it?

But for fun? Out of curiosity? Yeah, never.

Even if I didn't think there would be any emotional consequences. Even if I knew there wouldn't be.

If I have writer brain questions about how hard it would be to actually stab someone I'd sooner spend time on ballistics jelly etc... And there would be benefits to me because I am a writer and you could learn a lot about realistic depiction of fucked up shit in a time loop, but no part of me has any interest in doing those things regardless.

I mean imagine for a moment even just fucking instead. Just finding anyone you could convince to willingly and enthusiastically fuck you within 24 hours, knowing stis and pregnancy aren't an issue? A million do-overs. Doesn't that sound like a more fun game? I'm asexual and I think people are gross and I think that sounds like more fun. You could get so good at flirting, which I imagine would make most people also feel in control and very successful and like they are getting away with something. And would also be like, a use-able life skill?

If you want to train your skill at potentially killing someone, for the practical and self defense purposes of that... you don't have to kill anyone, just get good at fighting? Try out hunting animals that are yummy to eat? Fight them with your hands idgaf.

Call everyone you have ever known and tell them exactly what you think of them. Catharsis.

Two instances of burning something down even harmlessly will get you diagnosed with pyromania, but in a time loop you can burn an abandoned barn down as many times as you want for free.

But imagine, imagine the things you could google without ending up on a watch list? Time's going to reset. You could teach yourself to hack, one failure at a time, to play instruments, to pull off the perfect bank robbery and get away with it. There are so many beneficial and -victimless- crimes you could learn to get away with that could change your life.

Imagine a time loop that's a day, a week, where you don't age and will remember everything. I am not sure I'd ever actually try to leave it... but I still wouldn't 'waste' my time killing someone for no reason.

Murder for no particular reason is just boring.

if you were trapped in a time loop how many repetitions do you think it would take for you to willingly kill another person, knowing there would be no consequences

[cherryblossomshadow]

The Nature of Birds and Trees

A critique on the media’s portrayal of what “true love” is in our personal relationships and how it stunts the process of achieving self actualization

Dela Heart

Sep 30, 2024

Quotes:

Could the pressure to measure how impactful our relationships are to their longevity in our lives cause us to miss out on experiences that prepare us for the “stability” we seek in the long run?

.

“You’re like a bird. If a nest isn’t stable enough for you, you’re leaving and building a new nest. I’m like a tree. If you decide that my tree isn’t viable enough for your nest, I will eventually find another bird who sees me as a perfect fit.”

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Birds defy complacency. They switch locations based on the season, maintaining stability while being fluid for the inevitable as they understand they’re meant to experience constant changes in their lifetime. Trees represent perseverance. The fall robs them of their leaves that took them all spring to blossom, but they still remain grounded by their roots even through harsh conditions. In our lives, we will alternate between the role of a bird and a tree. There will be people we meet that may not stay forever and vice versa, but that doesn’t make them less valuable to our lives. Every interaction serves a purpose, but it is up to us to think beyond our desires in order to see its reason.

.

I find it crucial to view people as experiences rather than possessions because that is how you maintain control over your ego.

.

The film industry is notorious for selling fantasies … in the end, the boy/girl decides to abandon their goals, dreams, and responsibilities for the sake of being with their “true love”. Everybody claps and the movie becomes a box office success! … Over time, these movies have influenced generations to believe that in order for true love to exist, we must abandon our freedom and identity and commit to one person forever. However, that’s not necessary. Life happens, and sometimes you and a partner may not be "together forever." You don’t have to disregard the love for those who are no longer a part of the journey.

.

What’s interesting is that I’ve noticed these expectations are not only applied to romantic relationships, but platonic ones as well. About two months ago, I watched “The Devil Wears Prada” for the first time and I couldn’t help to think about the way Andy’s friends treated her during her time as an intern for Miranda. Her friends noticed she no longer had as much free time because she had to stay focused in order to secure her spot in any journalism job she wanted. They were intimidated and gave her a hard time when she was already having trouble adjusting to her new schedule (mind you, these changes were never intended to be permanent. She just needed to work there for ONE YEAR). I understand that the moral theme for the movie was to stay true to your values, but why should Andy be pressured to abandon what’s important to her because the people in her relationships aren’t allowing room for her personal growth?

.

We have been conditioned to view love as possession and entitlement over a person’s choices and way of living … However, when we decenter our ego’s desires, we learn to appreciate moments rather than exploit them. Relationships are needed in order for us to achieve self actualization, but how we choose to approach our relationships will determine how much of our potential is unlocked.

.

People who are possessive and want control over things they yield no power over will struggle to see the blessing in taking rejection as redirection. If you feel entitled to someone’s feelings, time, and energy, you will think that other people are entitled to yours, thus limiting yourself from existing freely.

.

It is not self sabotaging when you choose to leave situations that don’t resonate with how you identify with yourself, but you self sabotage your potential when you feel forced to stay in these situations. That is because our society interchanges complacency with stability, but true stability exists in freedom. You are in charge of who stays and who enters your life. You yield the power over your emotions, perception, and approach in every situation. You possess the freedom to create stability in your life. Learning how to accept freedom will be the rebirth of you, but the death of your ego.

[sakurahisuii]

Abandonment… Aka Hell for Borderlines💔

7/14/24

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽 At least for me, abandonment is the biggest fear next to being forever alone. Over the last year.. maybe year and a half, I have been slowly working on spending more time on my own. This is to help with that fear of being ✨forever alone✨ because being alone isn't a bad thing, and we all should have times when we are alone to rejuvenate, think, and just be. But growing up, I felt alone, so I hated being alone. As a result, I made every effort to avoid feeling alone. This included jumping from one relationship to another when I started seriously dating in college (sorry, I'm not counting high school relationships since they were only for a few months). I always, and I mean ALWAYS, had to have some guy occupying my mind to be okay.

🧠"Abandonment trauma is the fear or anxiety of people you are close to leaving you. People struggling with abandonment fear may have trouble building healthy relationships." - Dr. Geralyn Dexter (Verywellhealth)

Want to learn more about Abandonment and Attachment Styles?

Click Here to Learn more: Abandonment Trauma: Signs, Causes, and Healing (verywellhealth.com)🧠

Fear of abandonment is my BIGGEST symptom of BPD, besides feeling empty. And it honestly sucks. Especially where I'm at in my recovery journey since I am more logical than before but also emotional. So my brain's favorite hobby is playing tug of war. For example, I have someone very special in my life that I've known for years who comes and goes a lot. And every time they leave, it's the worst feeling in the world. I feel like the world is falling apart every time someone that I have feelings for leaves me. So, when this person leaves, I logically know I'm going to be okay. I know it because I've lived through it countless times, but it still really badly hurts. When I experience any type of huge fight between me and my F.P (favorite person), I implode. This also happens if I have a huge fight with a select handful of my best and closest friends. And when I implode, hell breaks loose, literally. Logic is thrown completely out the window. The littlest of things are the biggest things in the world to me; I can't eat, I just cry, I want to hurt myself, I start to spiral... you get the picture. And this is EVERY time I am with an F.P. Saying "that sounds exhausted" is a complete understatement.

🧠What's a Favorite Person or F.P. ?

When I first learned what a F.P. was, I was told that it was a person who was your go-to person. And this goes beyond just knowing you can rely on them; it starts to become the person you ALWAYS go to first and expect them to help and give validation.

Want to learn more about the term "Favorite Person" or the BPD and Favorite person relationship?

Click Here to Learn more: Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship (verywellmind.com)🧠 IT IS exhausting.

Having problems with properly regulating emotions is exhausting, questioning your self-identity and self-worth multiple times a month is exhausting; feeling stuck and empty all the time is exhausting. Having BPD IS exhausting. Unlike other people who can leave me, I can't leave me. I can't leave my brain or shut it off. I'm stuck. It's hard.

I feel as though people don't really give me (or any person with BPD or any other mental health conditions) enough credit for how exhausting it is to just go about daily life with everything going on inside your head. I completely understand (or at least will at one point) how people can feel exhausted around me, and that's completely valid. It is. But no one ever considers how exhausted I am and how tired I am of living this way. I know this post is on the darker side of the blog, but that's how it is with BPD: black and white. While I've been having episodes and struggling when writing and posting these posts, it was finally time to talk about my fear of abandonment. This blog is going to have some "darker" or more sad-sounding content because having BPD is really hard and I have a lot more bad days than good. Technically, I have more "I feel nothing" days than any bad or good days. I just hope this helps people understand a little bit more from a Borderline perspective, even if it's just the tiniest bit. Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

[renskirenegade]

NSFW "him"

I'm biased, I'm conditioned, I'm culturally taught to not believe a man. I dont trust men, I dont want a man, I have zero expectations from a man. You hear people say men only want one thing, only care about XYZ, yet I'm expected to be with a man? I'm expected to serve men? I'm born a woman so I should be treated lower than a man?

Call me pride, call me hate, call me ignorant. Judge me, fuck I'm so sick of defending myself. Just because I silenced my self doesn't mean you have permission to tell me how to feel, how to cope, how to get the fk over it. I'm aware it's unfair, it's not right but neither was the treatment. Why? The closest men in my life betrayed me, lied to me, used me.

I just wanna give a big fuck you and scream at the top of my lungs. Because you heard the stupidest shit when you speak up. The way you dress, the way you spoke, the way you are. You have no right to tell me how to live my life and dictate my choices. I dont want a man in my life. I am fully aware these are my personal experiences, and I am fully aware I do not feel safe with men. The shit these men did; you made me feel like I wasn't even human.

First, you abandoned me. You taught me what lies and infidelity were.And the sliver of memories I have of you, are all covered in drugs, alcohol, and darkness. Whenever time passed, I thought reset reset reset - you never wanted to form a relationship. You just wanted money. I was never important to you. And the last conversation you had with me - made me realized I would never be good enough. I no longer wanted to be assocaited with you - your dead to me. Even when your dead. I was a fucking child, you didn't deserve me. You made me a shade darker.

Then, another "good" man came into the home. You wanted to be my father figure, I guess you were. You were another POS I had to protect myself from. Nobody fucking believed me, nobody fucking saw your demons, except for me. You tried to groom me and your methods make me wanna vomit. Just because you opened your bible, just because you said sorry, just because everyone liked you means you get access to me. You made me question my sanity, my faith in god, and in adults. My skin boils at the thought of you, I fear touch because of you. You will never get to touch me, grope me, molest me, watch me in the darkness ever again. I felt like an isolated kill. I endured you. I escaped you - God did it. Get out of my fucking night mares, get out of my head - you've done enough damage to me. You took my innocence and trust. You've taught me discernment. I got rocked so fucking hard that you fucked with my identitiy. My worth was hidden and I didn't even want to be a girl/woman anymore. I didn't want anyone to look at me the way you did. Change my clothes, change my hair, change...me- anything to make him and any other man look away from me. Hide my feelings, my thoughts, my joy -everything. You won't get high off of me anymore. Man, I just want to wear a fucking white dress without being traumatized.

And then, him. Self care is not just for you - it's for me. The things you've done, the people you hurt, the impact you have on your environment is scary. Why is it, where you are - cops are? You keep giving into your demons and hurt everyone you love. My lips will never touch liquor the way yours does. I trusted you, I confided in you, I spent so much time with you, I believed in you. But you keep giving in, why? I'm not here to judge you, but you took my trust when you touched that bottle. Is it true? When people drink, the truth comes out? Keep your truth to yourself, keep your demons on your end, I saw and FELT the signs. I won't let you do the same thing to me. I just got out ouf a predicament, I didn't need another. I thought you would man up, protect me - but you're all the same. We will never be the same again.

Then you came into my life. I settled so hard for you, thinking you would be my saving grace. I had high expectations and believed you were a great man. I failed to realized, you're just a flesh and blood man. And looking back, you were so selfish and I allowed it. I allowed too much. I paint this facade that we were good to save face, but you took a piece of me that day. You raped me. When a woman says no. No means No. My mind and body locked. Blurred. I'm so ashamed and embarassed. Then you wonder why, you could never get me off eh?

[hewholivesinhisname]

Surviving On the Bottom

The first thing you have to know and to be mindful of, is that people want to press charges on you for loitering. People hate the poor and they will want to use the police to harass you. Security guards are often posted in the dumbest locations just to harass you. Other poor people, especially poor men, often have internalized self-hatred and might attack you to. There is often resources for women "in domestic violence" especially so the poor women end up getting taken care of more than the men.

The people they tend to hire to manage the shelters tend to be terrible and even if these people were saints, the services and facilities tend to suck.

They give you just enough to survive in a degraded condition.

The churches are lifesavers in that you can attend services for free and you can eat for free at the meals if and when they have them. Even if I was rich, quite honestly I would attend community meals. I think community meals are great.

One thing that happens which is important to note is that if you travel too much, your feet get all scraped up. Footcare can be a really big problem. Often people feel angry, scared and hurt so they lash out at others and they won't show kindness to this, people will attack you for it.

I was always too proud to beg. Once you start begging, you are one step from stealing and once you are stealing you are steps away from other things, being a real criminal. However, I've come to the conclusion that maybe criminals aren't "the bad guys" a lot of the time simply because there are so few jobs available, it's hard to imagine not committing crimes.

I ate out of trashcans a lot and it sucked. It's not great, but I didn't know what else to do. The food is trash anyway. Once I got out of that situation, well, i'm on an all vegetarian diet now.

Asking people for free stuff, especially public transportation is a real skill that takes courage. I jumped a lot of stalls too in order to get anywhere. I was never bothered by the red mbta guys although one yelled at me. There was only one train conductor who really sucked.

Sleeping is a real issue. A really big issue. In the library and common areas, they have guards around who will wake you up and if you get upset they will call the police to harass you.

Other men, of course in this situation. they really like to fight each other and the police do nothing about this. They don't give a shit it seems really. Maybe a few do but all the police chiefs are in the masons, so, you know.

At some churches, pastors have been jailed for allowing homeless people to sleep and the police like to station themselves outside. There is endless money to harass and attack the poor, let me tell you. Maybe it's just me, maybe they are after me, but if you are reading this, they will eventually come after you too.

If you leave stuff in an abandoned site, people will come and throw it away. That's the other thing.

O, and traintracks, you would think that sitting around or staying at the traintracks.

I have trouble with keeping stuff in good condition. Cell-phones, glasses and computers. I lose them, especially in this situation. So, that's no good at all. Other homeless people were a little better at maintaining that stuff.

weirdly enough, it built up my self-esteem being homeless. I'm a good person. I wasn't doing anything and here was everyone harassing me just because I was in a bad situation. There were some good people too of course, but a job and a place to live, they don't supply that. Really, I guess that that's something you kind

Tents are about 50$. way better than rent let me tell you. That's probably the best investment you can make that I know of. Spend the 50$ and get a tent. Then you can go off in the woods and survive on food stamps.

[walkintrafficjam]

The Productivity Hellscape

I have a really bad habit. Before each semester start, I'll say, "I'm going to take it easy this time" but I never do. In fact, in one of my semesters, I took 18 units w/ extracurricular activities. Same thing in senior year of high school. I took 3 AP classes while working at Starbucks.

Do you ever feel like you're not advancing fast enough? I overwork because I feel inadequate. "Everyone is so much more talented and better than me," I think, "Gotta shove 4 extra jobs down my throat so I can feel like I'm good enough." Honestly if my body didn't literally crumble, I would do it.

I'm almost impressed by it. I have literally work on my homework in the Emergency Room. Even near death, I probably would still work on my homework. Even in my after life, I would send an email to my teacher to apologize for being dead... because I didn't complete my homework.

You get the point.

truth be told, I wasn't always like this. In fact, I was raised and trained like this. When I was a kid, my teacher would praised the kids who did well. Our school work differently than in America. Our final year test grading scale is based on mistakes. You have 10 points. Every mistakes is -1 point. Once you make 4 mistakes, you're out of the game. As in, good luck repeating the whole school year again. I was slap and hit too. Even simple "mistake" like not coloring my picture in kindergarten granted a punishment.

As I grow up, I grown a distain for myself. Even when I wasn't actively punish anymore, the idea of not being perfect in school still give me great amount of stress. I am like a battered dog who was still chained to an abandoned post. I couldn't unravel myself from my conditioning.

Helpful Tips that help me slow down

Life in itself is joy: I always thought to myself if I slave away right now then I'll be happier in the future. Once I score straight As in my high school years, I'll be happier when I am in college. If I work hard and get a good paying job THEN I'll be happy. I realize each stage of my life, I was pushing that carrot on the stick further and further down. The truth is I should prioritize my happiness NOW and for the future. I am worthy just by existing. I don't need to prove my worth to become happy.

If it doesn't work a couple of few times, then I should try something else: One of my mentor said this. It sounds so simple yet I am caught in the trap of thinking if I have my willpower this time then It would work. Think of your new year resolution that you never complete. The one that you tell yourself each year it would be different but it didn't. Perhaps switch up your framework or tactic. The current method might not be working for you.

Scheduling in Hobby and De-stress activities. Again, sounds quite simple. Yet, my calendar is always fill with things that I have to do rather than I want to do. Recently, I kept a to-do list of tasks I want to do for fun. For example, Reading a book about audio mixing at a library, making a workout regime specifically to become a super cool buff boom operator/Grip, or study at this one cafe that have really good smoked salmon toast (all of this sounds really nerdy I know). For me, these all the thing I do to treat myself.

What do I want right now? I checked in with my body a lot because when we're on our phone or being busy we neglect our body. I'll tune in to see what my body wants. Maybe, it wants to stretch or cook some food to destress.

I am gonna work a little bit of homework now to help my future self. To curb my procrastination, I would take small step towards my homework. I have this habit of either not doing it or doing it super last minute. I hate working because it feels like I have to complete the whole thing. Lately, I have been framing it as me helping to lighten the homework load when I do procrastinate last minute. It won't stop me from finishing my work near deadline but it definitely makes it feel more manageable and less destructive.

The Aftermath:

I am better at balancing work now. Also, I am actually pursuing something that I am interested in! It makes hard work feel rewarding rather than out of obligation. Still a perfectionist but this whole blog is supposed to help with that! I am doing well so no need to worry about me! I hope the tips can be beneficial to you.

Any WIP?

I have a script idea! I haven't write them down yet but I basically have an outline of it. I am super proud of the it as well! I just have to start actually doing it T_T

Getting the script into film will be hard. I hope to one day make it though.

A lot of words today. And there's still a lot of points that I didn't get to. Anyhow, see you next time! Have a great week.

[medsurvival]

Dear reader,

The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to document my journey throughout medschool.The past two years in medical school have been a little difficult both in my academic and social life.

This is the truth that no one tells you about medical school.

It is not all about the aesthetic, it is not all about the title you get after graduation and it is not definietly about neglecting yourself for your education. It is a very slow, tortuous and laborious path that will examine every ounce of stregnth you have. It will push you to the breaking point and pull you back. It is a very long path that will test your mental and physical strength. I have 4 years left, as the total is seven years of study. This drains your hope of reaching your goals. As the years get longer, the obstacles you face also multiply. From peer pressure to pressure from the senior doctors, you will start questioning your decesion making skills. You will feel as if eveything you say is wrong and that you know nothing. You will feel as if you are wasting your years without amounting to nothing.

During my first two years of study, I have made decesions that have led to the deterioration of my mental and physical health. Although I haven't been clinically diagnosed, there are certain symptoms and signs that don't need a medical degree to notice. These unfavourable conditions have had negative effects on my physical health as well resulting in me over eating to cope with the stress that was prevealent in my life. The weight gain that resulted from that has led to a disorted body image where I couldn't see my self as attractive or desirable although that was far from the truth. My self confidence plummeted because I compared myself to other people, I couldn't form healthy boundaries because I felt that I would be abandoned by people if I had restrictions, I became insecure in my apperance and my clothing style which made me waste a lot of money on clothing and accessories because I wanted to fit in and I would have manic and depressive episodes which affected my sleeping pattern, apetite and memory.

I would think all this was hard on me because I was weak and undeserving of the opportunity I had. This gradually led to the development of imposter syndrome where I felt as if I wasn't enough, as if I didn't have the abilities required to be a medical student. I felt inferior to the other student with their studying and good grades. In order to escape this, I would go out to hang out with people who had questionable characters and never had second thoughts about manipulating me to get what they want. My first and half of second year of medical school went like this.

A new change started in my life when we had a minor course on the half of second year, which didn't require attendance. I stayed in my dormitory for the whole two months not even going to go out for meals. I entered a period of self reflection where I thought about the past choices I made and their effects on my present life. After an agonizing and meditative period, I did a lot of shadowwork on myself and defined my problems and their solutions. By the time the course was over, I was already adapted to my new mindset. This solved my social and personal problems and only the academical problems remained.

I didn't know how to study. That was the truth. I was a gifted overachiever in my highschool years. I didn't need to have long and intensive study sessions to understand the materials. Hence, I had no clue on how to do structured studying sessions. I reserached studying methods and tried them out sacrificing my grades in the process. I am still experimenting but I am confident that I am doing better than before.

I also decided to be open to the relationship aspect. Before, I didn't feel as if men were to be trusted and only had physical attachments that didn't pass the kissing stage. Currently, I have a boyfriend that is caring, academically gifted and amazing. Although he will be leaving after 6 months as he is in his internship year of medical school, I consider this a good experience in the dating department and I hope our relationship continues outside medical school.

I have also refined my social circle. I am only friends with people that have a healthy perception of what friendship is. I enjoy their company and do not feel like an outsider or feel awkward with them.

My advice is to remember who you are, to be yourself and to know your principles and routines. These have helped me on my journey to a better medical school life.

Join me on my journey through medical school. 😊

[closetednobody]

Do you think if Carina leaves Maya it will snap her back to reality? I want to see Maya begging for Carina to stay and apologize the things she said. I know Carina has her mistakes too but she is the best spouse out there and I can't watching Maya hurting her.

(TW : mentions of suicide)

Hello OP!

The fact that i always say "I'm gonna hurt anyone who hurts Carina!" and right now that person is Maya, tortures me. And I agree - Maya has a lot of apologizing to do and hopefully that translates to A LOT of cuddling scenes and surprises. Give me all the fluff!

But would Carina leaving Maya help to snap her back to reality? 🤔

In my personal opinion, sadly, I don't think so.

Echoing to my previous answer, presuming that Maya has an underlying mental condition, Carina leaving would just solidify her "dark thoughts" that she is too broken, dark and twisted to be loved by the light and perfect Carina. It could be the fuel to her "demons" that might lead to worse self-destructive behaviors to a point of suicide.

She might just say "Yes, you should." thinking that that's the best thing for Carina. To save Carina DeLuca from the ruthless Maya Bishop. Because that's the current reality for Maya.

Here's the complicated part about mental illness, specifically PTSD, depression and anxiety - your mind will always find ways to work against you = self-sabotage. But i don't like to call it "self-sabotage" because it will come with the notion that someone is doing it on purpose which will drive them crazy and make them feel hopeless.

That's why it is so hard for Maya (or most people with complex PTSD and depression) to get the help they need. Because "getting help" makes them feel weak.

"Everyone is going through something. Everyone has their own struggles. Mason is abandoned and living on the streets. I won an Olympic gold medal. I am a firefighter. I have a stable job, a nice home - the things that I've been through is insignificant compared to everyone else - how could I ask for help? Why would I need help?"

For Maya, she needs to feel needed. She has always been trying to prove her worth to everyone - as a daughter by winning medals, as a friend by being there for everyone, as a team member by sacrificing herself, as a captain by convincing her team, then listening to them (when she apologized to Miller), having their backs (Sullivan) and doing the right thing twice (even if it's against the rule), as a girlfriend by being there for Carina and Andrew, and Carina when she was grieving.

But as a wife and a soon-to-be mom? I doubt it.

She was demoted on her wedding day. She has been bullied at work at the same time they are trying to conceive. "I'm doing this for our family," she said on the rooftop. So, if Carina leaves her now, I don't think Maya could ever convince herself to be a wife and a mom again. After all, who would have a baby with that.

And Carina never stop reminding her that she needs to find help which translates to "You're not good enough. Please fix yourself." according to Dark Thoughts Dictionary.

But whenever Carina reaches out to her and reaffirms her that she needs Maya, you can see that Maya will soften and consider what Carina has to say compared to whenever Carina demands her to do something i.e. seek help.

So... I'm curious to see what are they going to write as her point of revelation. But we'll see.

What do you think: would Carina leaving Maya help to snap her back to reality? Let me know!